We don't need to tell you how to get along in this world, so we'll spare you our self-defense tips and low-carb recipes. But, look, if you don't listen to this Humor On Hold production, take detailed notes on it, commit the whole thing to memory and then share it with your top seven friends, we refuse to be held responsible if something horrible should befall you within the next four to six weeks.

The play button is right there. It's your choice.