Give up, Gemini. Your dream of being adopted by TV’s Jon & Kate is fading fast.

Good news / bad news, Leo. You’ll be cured of your addiction to bacon when an angry pig jumps out a 4th story window and kills you instantly.

Careful, Sagittarius! Local law enforcement officials may not appreciate your  old-school  friction experiments with bananas and donuts.

Sorry, Cancer. Turns out two heads aren’t better than one. But how to get rid of your annoying Siamese twin? Yes, how indeed?

Congrats, Libra! Your Beyonce butter sculptures are bootylicious and the surprise hit of the junior college graduation season.

Hey Aquarius, good luck with your paralyzing fear of bed-dwelling vermin. By the way, you may want to sleep on the couch until your sheets stop moving.

Tongue can’t take the heat? Then be sure to plop an el grande spoon-load of Rancid Mayonnaise all over your Cinco De Mayo dinner. It smothers the spice right out of Mexican food quicker than you can say “Baja Chalupa.” 

You’ll find Rancid Mayonnaise in your grocer’s condiment section. Just look for the label that’s written in English.