C’mon, friend! Join me on a tour of the “Museum of Business As Usual.” It’s a place where less-than-effective business products are celebrated. Okay, maybe “laughed at” is more accurate.

It’s all part of the new TV campaign for Buckeye TeleSystem’s Epiphany service. I appear as the tour guide / narrator in most of the spots.

Click here to watch “The Coffee Helmet.”

And click here to watch “The Voice-Activated Filing Cabinet.”

After three consecutive years, our President’s Day post has become as much an American tradition as fried cheese and monster trucks on Easter Sunday. So dig in, fellow USAer, to this year’s facts about the First Fella.

1) Herbert Hoover approved “The Star-Spangled Banner” as the national anthem, even though he actually preferred the song “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio. 

2) In the late 1870s, President Rutheford B. Hayes tried to set a good example for the country by banishing liquor and wine from the White House. He was later labeled a hypocrite after inventing the crack pipe.

3) William Howard Taft was the first President to assume a “lower” position after leaving the White House when he became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Taft’s distinction stood until Lyndon Johnson left office to take a part-time gig at the Shoney’s Big Boy in Brownsville, Texas. 

4) True, Abraham Lincoln was the first president to sport a beard while in office, but years earlier, Millard Fillmore would often use state dinners as an excuse to break out the rainbow fright wig. 

5) James Madison was our shortest and lightest president. However, at 11 pound 3 ounces, he still holds the White House record for heaviest genitals. 

Read our 2009 President’s Day Trivia here. And if you’re feeling extra patriotic, take a look at the 2008 trivia.

Give up, Gemini. Your dream of being adopted by TV’s Jon & Kate is fading fast.

Good news / bad news, Leo. You’ll be cured of your addiction to bacon when an angry pig jumps out a 4th story window and kills you instantly.

Careful, Sagittarius! Local law enforcement officials may not appreciate your  old-school  friction experiments with bananas and donuts.

Sorry, Cancer. Turns out two heads aren’t better than one. But how to get rid of your annoying Siamese twin? Yes, how indeed?

Congrats, Libra! Your Beyonce butter sculptures are bootylicious and the surprise hit of the junior college graduation season.

Hey Aquarius, good luck with your paralyzing fear of bed-dwelling vermin. By the way, you may want to sleep on the couch until your sheets stop moving.

Tongue can’t take the heat? Then be sure to plop an el grande spoon-load of Rancid Mayonnaise all over your Cinco De Mayo dinner. It smothers the spice right out of Mexican food quicker than you can say “Baja Chalupa.” 

You’ll find Rancid Mayonnaise in your grocer’s condiment section. Just look for the label that’s written in English.

Happy President’s Day, fellow citizen, and welcome to our 2nd annual trove o’ trivia about the USA’s Chief Cheeses. Here we go…

1) To  indulge his  obsession with oblique-angled equilateral parallelograms, Dwight Eisenhower had the Oval Office re-shaped into a rhombus.

2) As president, Ronald Reagan performed all his own stunts.

3) John Quincy Adams enjoyed nude swims in the Potomac River. Since he was so often seen naked by passersby his presidency was the first to be referred to as ”The Executive Branch.” 

4) Few people realize that Thomas Jefferson’s nickname was ‘Weezy.

5) While in college, our heaviest president, William Howard Taft, majored in pie eating. He was also known to keep small hams in his pants to avoid those “long walks to the kitchen.”

To read our 2008 President’s Day Trivia, click here.

We have to admit, we’ve never used Rancid Mayonnaise on any type of fruit, but the chef pictured in this e-card seems more than confident recommending that the tangy dressing be slathered on fresh pineapple. If you try this at home, remove the fruit’s spiny outer skin before eating or you’ll end up with a mouthful of hurt. Good luck and good spreading!

What would the holidays be without meat? And what would meat be if not served with Rancid Mayonnaise? Not very holiday-ish, that’s what! 

Rancid Mayonnaise is aged in barrels for 11 weeks and a day to give it that famous Rancid, Wisconsin tang. Your holiday guests are sure to enjoy it. 

And through December, you’ll get a free pine wreath in specially marked jars. Just wash thoroughly and hang.                                                                                                   

The recent link of salmonella poisoning to several types of tomatoes is sure to make life tough for many people over the next few weeks. So I’ve come up with a few helpful suggestions.

For instance, restaurants won’t be able to sell BLT sandwiches, so why not replace the T with another abbreviated food? Onions might be a good choice, though the BLO may be hard to order in mixed company.

Have tickets for a bad play this weekend? You won’t be able to throw tomatoes at the actors, so bring along something equally juicy to heave on stage, like a bagfull of grease or a wet hammer.

Once this scare subsides, tomato growers and marketers will be looking for ways to restore the bacteria-free shine to their product, so they may want to consider a new slogan, like this one:

Tomatoes. Salmonella-free and only half the herpes virus of corn.

While chaperoning an elementary school dance this weekend, I heard “The Hokey Pokey,” “The Chicken Dance,” and that perennial 3rd grade favorite “Brick House” by the Commodores.

Oh sure, the young kids of today love their 70’s funk, but I’m fairly certain the significance of the lyric “36-24-36, what a winning hand” was lost on most of the crowd.

Your shoe’s untied.